The Gardener

The Gardener

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You don't just bury someone once

Closure is only the final Santa Claus we give up

Living without means losing every time you remember their hand in yours

Every time you eat their favorite pizza

The absence is heavy, pulled to the earth like rain

You have to bury them 

Again and again and again

I used to bury you in grief, watering the soil with tears

Salting the earth 

But the mud stuck to my hands and my knees and my heart

It pulled me in slowly 

I wanted it to

I wanted to lay down with you in the earth and rest for a time

For all time

But you always hated funerals, hated the somber sounds of silence

And

You were always smiling when you carefully tended your plants

Caressing the little seeds and sprouts, watering them with singing

And

And I am trying now

To plant seeds and gratitude in the hole carved out in me where you smile used to rest

To tend and nurture what you left like you would

My hands are clumsy though, and my calluses are all wrong

But maybe I can learn to bury you joyfully

One day at a time